Everything will change.

8:54am: I can't see my life without you...
So I had a great weekend. It was so nice to just be with Lily and not worry about work or going anywhere and having to get things for her or me or the house or anything. We just chilled on Friday night after we came home from my grandmas, Lily's great grandmas. She wore her bumble bee costume that I got her for halloween, and grandma Marge was so happy to see her and Rylee too, who dressed up as a kitty. So damn cute.

Saturday, we went out for Sushi with Aunt Kala, walked around the mall for awhile, went to the halloween store and bought some ridiculous wigs...then we all went back to my house and got Lily ready for bed, and played awhile.


I love those nights with our Kalaso! We all have such a blast together! Shes like one of my only friends who I can rely on to understand the terms of Lily and our lives. And we have fun, shes not a burdon to Kala and I'm so happy for that because it seems to a lot of friends she can be a burdan, and there are limits to our outtings and how long we can be out and the things we can actually do, and I feel like some pepole don't understand that I don't find LIly to be a burdon at all. Shes the greatest thing I've ever had in my life, and I don't know what I would do without her. I honestly cannot remember life without her....

But when I woke up today, and was watching her play...I began to think about certain things. Like how I am extremely lonely and I ignore it, which is really easy to do since I am busy most of the time, and when I'm not, I'm sleeping. But I got to do some thinking today and I hate that. Because I realize things like, I don't take care for myself at all. I don't really care to take care of myself. As long as Lily is happy and looks comfortable and is fed and changed, I'm happy. But am I really truely happy....or am I just avoiding my own satisfaction in life.

I am absolutly satisfied with myself as a mother. I do a great job with her, I love who I have become because of inheriting my title as a Mother. But, honestly, I'm very lonely, and I wish I could share things concerning Lily, with another man who just so happens to be in love with me as well as Lily.

When I looked at Josh holding Samantha, I wanted to cry. I didn't realize how nice it could be to watch a person who loves another person, hold something that they both love.

And I do want that...but I don't think I can have that. Because I don't think there is a man out there, who is strong enough to get to know the both of us, let alone love the both of us. Men are very selfish, and don't seem to get the fact that Lily will always be my number one, and that I can't just get up and go everytime they need something, or want to see me.


And that makes me sad sometimes, and I don't want it to make me sad, because then I feel selfish. Like I wish I could only be happy with Lily and me. I wish I didn't feel lonley and I wish I didn't want to be loved by a guy.


But hey, the weeks starting again, and it will be a routine that will not involve personal thinking. It will, in fact, involve Lily thought, Work thought, and family thought. And those are my favorite thoughts...well not the work thought. But the Lily thought and the Family thought are the greatest thoughts I have...and I wont think about the lonely thought. Which is good.

8:11am: I've been thinking a lot lately about school.

I've decided to go to school, hopefully in August of 2009, that is, if I save enough money. I'm going to go for my RN. Thats right, I'm taking the plunge into the medical field. Its ideal. I'll never be out of a job and it pays well. Plus, I have the ability to take care of people, and I have the patientce to as well.

I can't waste that talent.

Anyway, Lily is doing great, getting big and crawling everywhere. She talks baby talk all of the time, yells alot when she wants something! But its normal for a nine month old. She is developing quite well and I'm so proud!

We went to Johnstown yesterday with Aunt Kala and Aunt Cha. Lily got new earrings, so cute.

Ericas offically getting married on Aug 8, 2009! Thank goodness a date has been set and we can start to get things organized. there isn't a lot of time, but we can do it.

Work is work, were not very busy due to the fact that my job is nothing but loans and home mortgages and no one wants to take out a loan or a second lien on their home due to the economy.

My life can seem pretty boring I suppose. There isn't anymore drama in it, thank god. I won't let that happen.


I had a dateish thing last night. I don't know what you would call it. It was fun, and so nice to just get out and talk to someone new. He is a big music buff, which is great, so we didn't have any trouble finding something to talk about. I'm not looking too deep into it though....I wouldnt want to do that, and then get disappointed. And I'm not 100% sure if it was a date or just hanging out now that I think about it lol. He paid for the meal, he drove, we got back to my house around 10:00 and hung out on the porch and talked for awhile, but that was pretty much it. Soooo I don't know, I guess we will see haha.

10:01pm: I am the luckiest...
I haven't written in this thing in forever.

I am at the moment, watching True Life: I'm a single parent.

How appropriate.

My life, for the past nine months, has been the greatest it has ever been.
The love of my life...Lily Sarah. She makes my heart sing.

The day I had her..I'll never forget. My labor wasn't long thank god, i was enduced around 8 am and had her around 5:45pm. I will never forget the feeling i felt when i first saw her. If I could describe it to you in a correct way, I would, but you can't explain this feeling. You just have to experience it on your own.

I felt like I couldn't breath I was so taken away by how georgeous she was. I couldn't believe that I had just given birth to a baby. O my gosh, I was a mommy. How insane. But I got over it quite quickly once the nurse handed her to me.

She looked at me with a pouty lip, man was i in instant love. I have honestly never been in love before, until I met her.

I thought I was in love before, o my gosh no way man not at all. This is so intense. And it will never leave me, and i know that. And I'm so blessed.

She is now nine months old. She is so beautiful and she has given me so much more than she will ever know. I used to care about being alone and being single. I always felt like I had to search for love. I don't have to search for love. Its been there my whole life.

You don't realize how loved you are, until something like this occurs.

The crying, the spitting up, the late night feedings...it all goes with the territory. But its not bad. Its completely worth it. There is more good in having a child than bad. There is barely any bad. And if there is bad....you make it into good. you m ake it into a lesson, or a memory...and eventually the bad moments become the silly ones...or the ones you remember not to do next time.


My baby is cuter than these babies.


My parents.

My parents, Lily's grandparents, are the greatest people ever. 100 TIMES BETTER THAN A HUSBAND!!! My mom taught me everything I know...and I am an awesome mom. just like her.


Kalaso!

My Kalaso, Lily's godmother, is great too. She makes sure to come see Lily at least once a week. With our busy schedules, we still find time to chill and be with Lily. She is the closest thing I have toa boyfriend lol.

As for boyfriends and dating and all that jazz...

I'm absolutely not going to date for a long ass time. I am so happy with myself and who I am becoming that I don't want to be with anyone until I am fully happy with myself, and my career.


I'm going to start taking classes for nursing in January. I'll post more about that, its in the works.

6:28pm:

I haven't written in a long while, and I'm not sure if people still read this, but I just wanted to say that I had the baby. I had Lily Sarah Nedresky on Dec. 28, 2007 at 4:46pm and she is so beautiful! I'm so in love with her. The drama that was on here a few months ago was just ridiculous. I'm so glad to stopped worrying about Seth and what his life was like and started worrying about mine and Lily's. I never really knew what true love was until I met Lily. The moment I saw her, I knew that life was worth living, pain was worth feeling, and all of the drama was worth having.

seth did one thing right. but thats about it.

He hasn't contacted me, or even attempted to be a father. Guess I was right. 

thank god I left in time.

anyway,

things are wonderful. were living in an apartment in Clymer, I'm still working and my moms going to watch Lily when I go back to work.


anyway, I'm done writing int his thing for a long long time. i've got more important things to do. Like be a kick ass mom! 

later!

5:33pm: seriously, how terrible of a person can you really be??

I just wrote this huge rant about how selfish seth is.

and then i deleted it.

because its not worth it to sit there and talk about how self absorbed he is and how awful I think it is that he cant accept someones good morals to not be involved with a man whos about to have a child. 

Its not worth it to speak of how his biggest problems in life, seem to be girls. fucking girls dude. ha. Selfish fuck. and it also makes me wonder...why did i even give him the benefit of knowing that he was going to have a daughter? I don't know...maybe I was forgiving him in my own way for all of the things he did to me. 

Maybe.

Just know this Seth, don't ever ask me about our daughter ever again. Because I'm not telling you a thing. You obviously only think of her as a mere "road block" to your latest fuck. 

You'll never know her. I hope you feel that.

9:05pm: Lily =)

Well, I'm having a baby girl!!!

I had the sonogram today and everything looks great! She was a little stubborn at first and we couldn't tell what she was, but once the doctor came in, he could tell right away. It was awesome to see her little heart beating away. We could see her bones and her brain it was so weird!

kala and beth came with me to support me, it was so nice. I'm so thankful to have them there by my side! they made it fun! Even though I was a crab at the beginning of the day, I was so happy by the end of the appointment. Finally, I can call her...her! 

Her full name will be Lily Sarah Nedresky. =) I'm so happy!

Other than that, my week was kind of good and bad at times, but I'm getting through all of these times quite well. I impress myself actually. 1 year ago, I would have been completely immature about this situation and totally dramatic. I'm definietly understanding that this is life, and we just have to do things that come at us. And we shouldn't expect some standing ovation for it, becasue well...its what we have to do. 

Anyway, other than that, not too much is going on. I'm just really looking forward to shopping for baby stuff especially hello kitty things! whoohoo! I'm so psyched about that haha. 

okay, well, thats it! take care everyone!

11:45pm:

To begin, I've realized this week how much I have grown since I've found out about my being pregnant.

I'm really glad that my biggest problems worth talking about aren't over a guy or over a relationship delema. I'm glad that my priorities are straight now, and I'm so glad that I have a reason for being a live...my little Atticus. 

I'm realizing now that a lot of people my age seem to whine about working or about how much something sucks and they never do anything to make it better. I'm glad that I didn't take my situation and just whine and whine about it and not do a thing to change it. I'm glad that I didn't stay in a bad situation just because it was comfortable...although I did do that for a short time, but when I found out I was pregnant, I knew that I wouldn't be able to let my child see these things. 

So this week I saw someone from my past that made me think back to two years ago when things were really very easy. I'm not saying things aren't easy now, because my life has never been very difficult. I'm just saying that my biggest worry back then was where I was going to stay that night. 

But yeah, So i saw him and in and instant I got these feelings back that I had two years ago. Just silly heart felt emotions that I don't think I'd ever be able to control if I saw him on a daily basis. And in the short conversation that I had with him, I realized something... I never cared for someone as much as I cared for him...and I guess its because no one has ever effected me as much as he has. 
I also realized that I would never be looked at or look at him in the way that we did that one summer. But its okay because I'll never forget him, and I'll never forget how he made me feel...and once the baby is born and when I finally decide to get back into the dating game, I think I'm going to make sure that the man I decide to date, will make me feel like that guy did...because its was the smartest, most beautiful I have ever felt in my life. And no one has ever made me feel that way since him. I don't know how he did it, I'm sure he doesn't either, haha, but he really did. i'm very grateful for knowing him. I hope if I have a son, he'll have the intellegence and morals that boy had. I really do.

Anyway, other than that insane realization, I've been asking my dad all week about family history, and hes been telling me some really awesome stories. Its been making me think about Atticus and all of the things he or she will get to learn through my dad and my family. Its so amazing to think about all of it. i've been writing in a personal journal to him or her telling him / her about life and about the things that he / she is doing in the womb right now. Its making things calmer for me and I'm starting to sing more to him / her. I'm just really excited for the months to come and new things are occuring each and every day. Its so exciting!

Welp, thats about it. I hung out with Cha Head and Iva tonight, and I also hung out with Kendra, a friend of Iva's, who is nice. We went to Eat n Park and it was weird because I haven't been there in a long while and its not like it used to be. probably because I have better things to do than before aside from smoking incessintly and eating greasy foods all of the time. I'm glad I'm done with that lifestyle!

Well, thats about it for this week. Things are going well. I'm calm and glad and I'm excited for Heatherso to come home and for this coming Friday! You guys know why ;)

7:59pm: anything you say I will become pregnant bitch mode.
So....hmmm, I'm ranting back and forth with seth on his blog. I should probably just let him think that hes right, again. ahhh brings back memories. Why am I such a heinous bitch towards this man?? well...I would count the ways, but that would take a long time, and he knows why. he really does.

okay, attempting possitive. Well, my mothers angry with me right now, probably because I cannot control my hormones or my emotions and she just doesnt seem to understand that. Seth is lucky, he'll never have to deal with me being pregnant. Instead, my wonderful parents get to. God bless them. I'm completly aware of how i act when i get all moody and bitchy, I can literally see myself getting this way. But I just can't stop it. Anyone once pregnant or currently pregnant woman would understand what I'm talking about. It just sucks that I don't have some sort of a warning sign on my chest saying "crazy pregnant bitch at any given moment" 

i actually think I'm going to get the internet taken out of my computer because it just causes a lot of stress on myself. I try really hard not to read his blog, but even if i dont read it, someone will tell me about it and I get pissed that way too. So, from now on, no one tell me what the hell kind of shit hes writing about. Because, I don't want him or his life to be of any importance to me. 

I just wish I could focus on having a good pregnancy. But its harder than it looks. 

I get angry when I watch old episodes of scrubs when Turks wife is pregnant and hes such a good husband to her, and they go through the pregnancy together. I wonder... "why can't life just be that simple? Why couldn't have he been as willing to do things as Turk is in this show?" I guess its normal. I don't know. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. I guess thats why I get so pissed at him  when he says hes stressed and needs a break or something like that. Because its like, um dude, im so stressed, not to mention im getting fatter by the day, its hot as hell, im starving and then throwing it all up, and my oh my would I love a vacation, but my stress and my problems are attached to me....literally. Not that I'm regreting my baby, of course I'm not. I'm just constantly for the rest of my life going to worry about this kid and going to be pissed at Seth for not doing the right thing. (and i swear to god if you reply and say this was my choice, I'm going to literally scream. so dont even reply, because I will go crazy bitch pregnant woman mode on your ass. I'm not kidding, I'm venting, so dont be a fucking child, because I hate you enough.) 

Sigh....please stop being angry Michelle. i hate being so angry at someone. I hate it. I just wish I could get over it, but god, this is the hardest thing to get over. Its going to be a long long time before I ever trust another man again. Thanks for that, I can stay single for awhile and then eventually I'll find a guy, and hes going to be prince fuckign charming becasue I'm going to make damn sure I take my time, and I get to know this guy before I make any sort of commitment. 

okay, well I'm done, I might not write for awhile because I'm going to take the internet out. 

peace out playas

10:39pm: my "I hate men" venting post.
Okay I've got to vent or I won't be able to sleep.

I hate how certain men think. They think and think and think for reasons that things ended, or why I dumped their sorry asses in this case. And the reasoning is seriously right there in front of their face and they chose to say "oh, it was because my family was intimidating." ummmm NO. Your family was not intimidating, your family was loving and warm and welcoming every single time I saw them. 

and side note: it doesnt make you different if you swear  with / or at your parents. thats just stupid. I could swear at my parents, but i chose not to, why? because i respect them and i was taught better than that. My child will NEVER EVER swear at their elders and think its okay. And if I have  a boy, he will never tell a woman to shut the fuck up...ever.  Your not different, or unique. Your a human being, you speak just like the rest of us, your issues are just like every other humans, and the fact that you think your issues and lifestyle is different from others, makes you the way you are... completely and totally oblivious to whats really right there in front of you. stupid ass moron.

also, I'm going to just spell this out nicely for you....I LEFT BECAUSE OF YOU AND YOUR ACTIONS. I LEFT AND ENDED IT BECAUSE OF YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU. PERIOD. PERIOD. PERIOD. thats it, end of story. there we go, THERES THE FUCKING ANSWER! Seriously, its not quantium physics here kaparnicus. 


Its so sad how boys just think that theres got to be some amazing divine reasoning as to why a girl doesnt want them...umm hello boys, heres the answer: Because somewhere down the road, you fucked up in some sort of way. Now I'm not saying I didn't have my fuck ups, but they were nothing like his, and thus is why I keep my distance and why I try so hard not to freak out when he says shit. I know he does it to get a rise out of me, and this time, it worked. But soak it up now because its going to be a rareity in life pal. 

Its one of life's many questions like "how does mel gibson keep making movies?" and "why do women go for assoles?" and the infamous "how is it that men can be told time and time again the reasoning behind a failure, and they chose to block it out?" 

well, the answers are, hes too fucking crazy  and too rich for anyone to say no, women are idiots sometimes and dont see things for face value (very guilty), and finally, THEY WILL NEVER WANT IT TO BE THEIR FAULT. THEY WILL NEVER ADMIT THEIR FAULTS. E V E R. there will always be a "okay i understand that, BUUUUUUT.... YADA YADA YADA" and it will never matter. what you say, your explination towards their failure, will never matter, and they will never change from what you say. So don't even try ladies....because they will always think what they want to think, and it will always be the complete opposite of what you just told them. 


Stupid ass men who think they're intellegent and really just sound like complete and total douche bags. 


Goodnight and good luck ladies.

9:35pm: Bad weekend gone good =))
So yeah, my weekend was eventful.

So Mike basically ditched me on Friday by just not showing up or calling me to go to the movies. So I was pretty bummed out about that. But its expected of him since he has a penis and all.

So Cha head cheered me up and we hung out at her place for awhile. Its nice, because I rarely get to see her just one on one without the other friends and its nice to spend that time with her.

So on Saturday night, cha, evan, evans friend Jimmy Keith and Kala just hung out at Ericas house while they drank and I had some coca cola haha cause caffine is my alchohol now. 

Then today, since I didn't get to go to the movies on Friday, we all went and saw the new Simpson movie which was hillarious.

So my weekend started out shitty, but turned into a great weekend with friends. For the first time in awhile, I actually had plans each night this weekend. But it defo wore me out. I just can't do the same stuff anymore like I used to. haha I'm such an old person. 

Anyway, So I havent heard from Mike, and I hope hes okay, and I hope nothing bad happened to him. I'm kind of worried. 

But thats me dude, I'm always thinking somethings wrong. 

I'm counting down to the day when I can find out if I'm having a Logan or a Lily! I cant wait! 
Kala and Beth are coming with me to my appointment and its going to be funny cause beth thinks its a girl and kala thinks its a boy, so we'll see! 

Other than that, I'm just working and reading Jenny McCarthy's book "belly laughs" which is a great book. Its very blunt and doesnt hold anything back about all the gross stuff no one talks about when being pregnant. It just makes me happy to know that I'm not the only one going through this gross icky stuff! haha, well thats about it for life right now. Still goin strong and still being a happy prego! thanks for family and friends!

8:02pm: I'm not angry anymore. 

I'm not angry anymore. 

I'm not angr....

I'm still pissed off.    But not so much today. 

Today.....I am so great, I am so great, I am, I am, I am so great!

Friday night, goign to see simpsons with mike. hell ya. 

SATURDAY is cha head fer real night. 


and the rest of my life.... the rest of my life is goign to be happiness. I'm counting down the days to know the sex of my baby!!!!! I can't wait.


I really am the lucky one. Because I'm not really confused. I forget what confusion is because I haven't been so sure about something in...well ever. My mind is clear, and I know what I want for myself and this baby....

But I still have anger. Its what I need to work on. 


But other than anger....Life is good. And not confusing. HOW AWESOME.

12:23am: Am I going to regret posting this? Probably. 

Am I going to recieve feedback that I don't want? Most definitely. 

But am I still going to do it because I have so much pent up anger boiling inside of me? Hell yes.


First off, I'm only writing this to benefit myself really. I'm writing it because I have so much anger and I just need to vent I guess.  I've avoided my anger for awhile now because I'm trying to put the baby before me, but sometimes ya just gotta vent.

The reasons why I'm angry could go on for hours, so I'm not going to go on and on about the past and the reasons why I'm angry. 

Alls I'm going to say is... why didn't you just take the classes and go to counseling? why didnt you just do it? Why wouldn't you sacrifice your time for your kid? why...fuck why? seriously. 
Its a rhetorical question. 

I'm also angry at myself. For not wording things better in the past. I'm also angry I didn't walk away when I should have. But I guess God kept me there for a reason, and the reason is obviously atticus. 

By the way, if your confused on the atticus thing: Since we don't know the sex, kala and i have decided to call the baby atticus instead of it. we just like it better that way.

I had dinner with Kalaso tonight and we rented some movies. But my mom, kala and I were talking near the end of the night, and I don't know if its just cause I haven't cried in awhile, but I just got so upset over this little thing and just started venting and saying things I really didn't mean and cried and cried. I just needed to. And its not because I'm jealous or pissed or anything about this girl. I dont care about this girl, shes just a girl. 
I'm angry about so much more than that. So much more. And I suppose I will be for awhile. 

Jessie's dad, (whos a single parent as well) said that it will be tough for a long long time. And I'll get angry and he'll get angry and we'll have our tiffs with each other...but he said that eventually we just get over those things and just act civil. It just takes time. 

But I couldnt be okay with him now. Its too soon. I mean...ITS ONLY BEEN TWO FUCKING MONTHS. Unlike some people, it takes more than a month to get over things. Although, I guess he did have a different experience in the relationship than I did. Maybe thats it. 

Anyway, I just keep telling myself "welp, this just shows that he didnt care as much as you thought Michelle. You were JUST a girl." 

But when I hear that heartbeat so loudly and strong, i think to myself, "I really am the lucky one out of this..."

Okay, theres my entry. Have I started something? Oh god, it was started a long time ago I suppose. 

But I just needed to vent, honestly. 

Just like you weren't trying to upset me, or hurt me in that letter. I didn't respond because I don't care, so don't respond to me because I don't want you to care.

6:58pm: I've finally found the good life...
So today was my doctors check up for the baby.

I'm already 16 weeks pregnant and growing by the minute, its totally attractive. 

The heartbeat came so quickly this time. Atticus is growing and its awesome. I swear, the sound of the baby's heartbeat will never get old. I could listen to it for hours. 

I think that the doctors appointments are getting me through a lot. I'm looking forward to nothing but this baby. 
For the first time ever in my life, a relationship with a guy is not the first thing on my list. 
This baby is making me better. And I know that when he / she is here for real, he / she will make me better and better each day for the rest of my life. I'm so excited! 

I had a parenting class this week even though I was sick, and it went really well. I learn something new all of the time from my teacher. 

other than the baby, Heatherso called me last night and I'm worried about her. I hope that she makes it through the next month in one piece. She's told me some pretty crazy shit in the little time that we talked and I don't even know the whole story. I dunno. I'm ready for her to come home, adn I'm sure she is ready too. 

Anyway, I'm feeling much better today than I have all week. The flu sucks. for real. 

okay, well im done, boring life to some, very exciting to me. haha. okay byeso!

8:34pm: sick and pregnant. my life story at the moment.
So my weeks been hellish!

I have the flu and it sucks like 100 times worse when your pregnant. 

I was sick yesterday all day, couldnt keep anything down. I had to go to the hospital cause I was dehydrated and had to have an IV with like three different things going into my veins. Then I felt a little better after that, but on the way home i kept getting sick. 

it sucked sooo bad. I hate being sick when I'm pregnant. super cereal.


anyway, other than that, life is good. I'm making sure there is no stress in my life so the baby stays happy and healthy! 

my parenting classes are going great! Andrea (my teacher) says that I'm doing really well and that I'm going to be a natural at parenting! Which is always awesome to hear. Everyday more and more I get excited and nervous about being a mom. But taking these classes is helping me get prepared for so many things. 

anyway, nothing much else is going on. Its really weird when guys hit on you and your pregnant though, just wanted to mention that. 

I mean, when your pregnant, and a guy notices it, and he still hits on you...thast a little fucked up man. haha. 

Heather said "well, he knows you put out." haha so yeah...weird ass perverts. haha

okay, well nothing much else to say.

9:46pm: were you aware that I'm going to have a baby? cause i am.
So I haven't written in about a week. I guess I've been trying to avoid the internet to kind of get over things and its been working really well. Also, I've been taking parenting classes each week and thats helping too. 

I'm learning a lot of really good things in parenting class. I'm also feeling more comfortable with being a mom. I think I'm going to do fine now that I have the guidance and support that I need. Well, I've always had the support, I'm just more accepting of it now!

I get a lot of hands on practice with my niece Rilee too. Shes so sweet and only two months old! Its so cool how I can rock her to sleep and it seems like I'm starting to understand her cries a little more. My sister, Melissa, said that it'll come natural to me when my baby is born and I'll know his / her cries like a second language. 

I'm also in the stage in my pregnancy where I can read to my baby and play music for him / her. So I ordered the velveteen rabbit offline to read to him / her. 

My sister, beth, is convinced that I'm having a girl because of the chinese calender she found online. I dunno though. A lot of people think I'm having a boy! I guess we'll have to wait and see! I'm excited for that. 

Anyway, other than the baby, I'm doing pretty well. I'm like a 70-year-old woman trapped in a 21-year-old womans body. I'm always tired and not really wanting to go out too much. But, Kalaso is being completely cool and hanging out with me at the house more and understands that I'm an old lady now haha. 

I'm eating super healthy too. I actually LOST weight, and now its just a big tummy! I think when I lived on my own I drank too much soda and when Seth and I would eat dinner we either ate out or seth would make this chicken that was sooo good but very unhealthy. Lots of pasta too. But I'm craving things like fruit, veggies, and chicken salad. I think its cause everything else gives me heart burn. Wow, is this the most non dramatic livejournal entry I've ever posted or what? haha. I am getting old. 

Anyway, thats whats going on. My life is prego prego and more prego. 


i miss heather so much though. I can't wait till she comes home!!! I miss her so much that I changed my myspace pic to when we went out for her 21st birthday. good times.

okay, i thnk thats about it. i miss everyone and hope they keep in touch!

10:53pm: Two entries in one day.... I hate not being at work. 

So, I guess the thing is....is that Seth will always have his opinion....i have to come to teh realization that I will never change his opinion. he'll never change mine...we'll just have to grow in time.

I've come to the conclusion that I want to go through the pregnancy by myself for many reasons. I am against many things he has said on his "blog" about me and about the baby. He has also said things in our counseling session that made me uncomfortable and unable to let him be part of this pregnancy.

There is no way I will ever NOT let him see his son / daughter. We will work out visitation rights, I'm sure of that. And if that makes me look like a bad person...I've got to accept that some people will look at me that way. My real friends will know why I'm doing what I'm doing. 

Okay, now I've got to just help myself stop reading his stupid blog so I can quit getting upset over things that he says and things that hes doing so I can actually start to get over this relationship. 

But, I know that its going to be hard for me to get over things. One, because anything that I say about why I'm angry at him or what hes done to make this relationship sour, he turns around and pretends like he never said it, or reverses his words. which is sad....just admit what you said, and admit your faults. I know I do....

okay im done. I just hope I can move forward finally and get through this pregnancy with as much strength and dignity as possible.

10:32am: I've broken down.

I'm not sure what to say I guess.

I am truely heart broken. And I'm going to explain why.

I'm heartbroken because Seth wasn't what I thought he was. I thought he was an equal person when it came to relationships. Love isn't as hard as it was with him. I know it. 

Also, I'm heartbroken because obviously it takes more than a month to get over a relationship for me. I'm not like him where I am just over it in a day and start to say that he wasn't completely over his ex-girlfriend yet. Which, is understandable, considering they were completely done only two months before we met. So he didn't really give himself time to get over her I guess.  So maybe the whole relatoinship was a sham? I don't know.

I'm aware of my faults, and where I went wrong, it doesnt mean that I can't be heart broken. 

And also, if Seth was wanting to be apart of the pregnancy so badly, he would say "i'll do anything to be apart of this, counseling, parenting classes, i'll do it all." but instead, he has to negociate, because its always about whats going to suite him. 

Doesn't he realize that I left for a reason? It just wasn't random, I fell out of love for a reason....it wasn't random. 

he has to understand that theres a logical explination behind why I am so angry at him....why doesn't he get that? and why am i always so hurt by his words? 

I'm trying to ignore him, I'm trying. But its so hard to when I know that hes out having an awesome time in life and I'm at home all of the time being sick and tired and fat and pregnant. 

I pretty much do nothing now, I rarely see Kala or Cha head, and Heather is in new york and anne is far away too. 
So I don't know how to deal with this. I really guess I should just let time heal and be as strong as possible. I mean..I've got to. 

I'm just so fucking scared of the future, I'm so scared. And like I'll go to walmart and I'll see young couples with children and I get angry at them for being able to work out. I get so angry at them. 

I sit there and think, did I do the right thing by leaving? And then I have to remidn myself that yes, I did. because he woudlnt have changed, thigns were not going to change. Everyone keeps telling me that, and its just hard to believe. 

I don't know....its not even worth it to speak anymore. 

I'm just hormonal I guess. But I really do need to get over things. I thought it would be easier, but its truely not. I don't have substitutes for his presence like he does with me.

6:36pm: I've been stupid....

I'm about to have a baby. I'm going to be a mom. And I'm getting upset over journal entries on the internet? I'm fighting back and forth with the father who doesnt even care to be apart of the pregnancy.... so why the hell am i caring so much? 

Probably because number one, I still care about Seth and I still think of the good times we've had. I wish my feelings wouldnt have changed, and I also wish that he and I could have met in the middle with a lot more things. I wish I wouldn't have given in so much to his desires and that I would have stuck up for myself in the long run.

But you live and learn right? I can't live in the past. I can't treat it as if its going to get better between us...because as of now, I don't think its going to happen. We're too angry at each other for many different reasons.

So heres what I'm going to do. I'm going to move forward with my life. I'm going to forgive myself for the things I've done wrong, for the situations I've handled badly, and admit to them....bigger person type deal. 

I'm going to to go work everyday and relax on my weekends. because all pregnant women know that we need the relaxation haha. I'm going to prepare for my wonderful baby boy / girl and I'm going to look forward to my appointments and the big moments in this pregnancy....I'm going to go at it alone, and I'm going to be fine. I'm going to be a good mother. I'm going to promise this baby that right now. I'm going to fight for it, care for it, love it to death and protect it from all the bad things in life. I'm goign to teach him / her to be a good person....and to treat people with respect. 

I'm going to have my bad days and good days. I'm going to hurt and cry about Seth somedays, I'm going to be happy about certain things with Seth somedays too. I'm going to always tell my child that his / her father is a good person adn that he loves him / her. I promise you that. 

And most of all....I'm going to teach my child that in order to be happy with others, you must be happy with yourself....believe it or not....this child is teaching me that right now.

8:09pm: My Closure

I have closure. I'm aware of the fact that hes going to have his opinions and I'm going to have mine....I was just more willing to work on being civil than he was.

he chose dramatics over being a man. 

whats sad...is that he knew me for nine months...and thinks that i was a bad person two years ago. in all honesty...i was a good person two years ago. I made my own choices in life...unlike the past nine months, where my decisions and my plans were his plans. 

hes angry at me for leaving....can he even imagine how angry i am at him for the million other things hes done? 

I gave him a chance to be an adult...it didn't work out. I hope he does leave my life, I hope he leaves me and my baby alone forever. I really do. Because I don't want my child to be taught to tell women to shut the hell up every time they decide to talk. My child will be better than that. 


dramatics over manhood....its a shame how easy that choice was for you.


anyway, i'm limiting my livejournal entries just because its hard for me to write when theres a lot more going through my head than what i can write on here, and still have my personal space. 

also i have to mention this to get it off of my chest. I asked him to just take parenting classes and go to counseling. in return he could be apart of the birth, because he would be showing progress. I wanted some sort of proof that he was taking these classes (he said he was taking them through staples) and he refused. he said "why cant you just have my word?" and heres why friends..... when we first started dating, he told me that he had a five-year-old son living in north carolina with his mother Julia. He said that he met his son two years ago but couldnt be too close to him for reasons he didn't want to speak of. That no one else knew about this son and he hated talking about it. Which seemed understandable. I understood. 

Nine months later when I mentioned to him that we needed to talk about his son because since we were going to have a child we should know if there were any complications in Julias delivery with Seth and her son and if his son had any allergies or anything like that. When I told him that I wanted to know this, his reply was "Julia died of a heroin overdose while she was pregnant and shes burried in Kittanning." I asked "Why did you tell me that they lived in North Carolina?" he said "it was easier to tell you that than to tell you the truth." Which was really odd to me, considering his story was so elaborate. Why would he even tell me that story to begin with? 

So when I told him that I wouldnt take his word for it today because he had lied to be about something that drastic....he said "in my heart and soul...i have a son in north carolina." Like...he made up a son because this "girl" died of a heroin or coccaine or whatever overdose and he made that stuff up.....would you believe a man after that? Honestly, would you? I just want you opinion on that. and now im done talking about seth and our past and bullshit.

Other than the closure I had today, my life is very good. I went and had dinner with kala and her parents afterwards and talked about things, and felt a lot better. I'm choosing to not be stressed out about things anymore. I'm going to hav ea good life. I'm happy about that. I'm so happy that I'm going to have a baby, and I'm going to show it how to treat a person that it loves, and how to grow up to be a wonderful person. I'm so happy about that. And I know its going to have more love than any other baby in the world! Because my family will love it so much, and so will kala and heather and anne too! im very happy to have the right people back in my life.

6:05pm: so i couldnt help but stoop to his level.
So I haven't posted in awhile...haven't had the internet at my parents...and also I don't post my every fucking move (sorry sorry sorry. im trying to be the bigger person by not flipping out on livejournal. its hard not to.) 

after reading seths blog entries and updating myself on his life...i'm hurt. oh no im fucking hurt. I don't want to be hurt, but I am. I'm hurt over the fact that I didn't really mean as much to him as I thought. Going out on a date is easy for him. Well...I puked up apple juice today, that was the highlight of my life within the past week. So yeah...have fun on your dates.


Also...INDIANA BARS SETH? Indiana fucking bars!!!!!! oh no, don't get raped! You know the horrible people that go there! Isn't that why I wasn't allowed to go? The one (of many) things you said I wasn't allowed to do in so manyw ords was go out to an indiana bar, and now its a nice intervention place to go to when your sad and feeling sorry for yourself.
 
God damn why am I stooping to your level? Because it will make me feel better? Probably not, I'm still goign to have this horrible hole in my heart, I'm still going to know that you haven't made any attempts at finding a single parenting class for fathers, or have gone to counseling...how do you have time with your dates and drinking and constant posts on your blog?!?! how do you manage yoru life? 

oh and fathers day! oh fathers day was horrible for you? DO YOU REMEMBER MOTHERS DAY? what the fuck did i get? did i even expect anything? NO! do you know why? well number one, I'm not a mother yet, I haven't even given birth yet, and you are not a father, you didnt pull otu in time, thats what we've achieved so far in this baby thing. So quit being so damn dramatic and realize that you have to stop writing in your fucking blog, take some initative and look into counseling look into classes...and then, then we can talk about you being involved in appointments....until then...stop going to bars in indiana, or you'll probably die, because thats waht was going to happen to me right?? 

and im blunt about shit, yes i am. And I'm so angry at you that there are nights that i sit up and think of things that i've let go in our relationship that i shouldnt have and i get sooo angry...because it shouldnt have even happened to begin with. I think about when Sara died, and I called Heather because I knew she'd stay up with me and hear me cry, but you...you were pissed. so fuck you for that one seth, fuck you for that one.  I don't care what time it was, you didn't care enough to get up. you didn't care enough...i should have known then.

humor....its a good thing to hide behind.

11:23am: whats a happy ending...or beginning?
yeah, things haven't been going the way we planned.

I've either gone completely crazy....or I just want the best for my child.

So on Tuesday I left and went to stay at my parents for a little while. Seth and I got into a fight about a few things and I just had to get away for awhile.


I don't know whats going through my mind....first alls I really had to think about was myself...and now I have two things to worry about, myself and my baby. And a million questions are going through my mind about how I want this child to be raised....and if its going to make me happy as well....

either way...I could really use some friend time....just to keep my mind straight and to catch up with people I haven't really been able to see....anyway, i wont have internet for awhile so call my cell phone if you need anytthing or want to talk! 724-388-7180!! thanks guys!

7:17pm: I'm writing more because I suppose more things are going through my mind.

Actually a lot more things are going through my mind. The book I'm making my pregnancy bible says that it is completely normal for me to have dreams about past boyfriends or even about men I don't know. I haven't had any weird sex dreams yet....the closes one was last night when I told Seths best friend Baker that he was the daddy in my dream and his reply was "but we never even did it"

which I thought was funny.

And then theres my dreams of past boyfriends. The book says that dreaming of past boyfriends is just my way of closing doors to my past due to the new big ones that are opening for me.

The more I think about certain things though....The sadder I get.

Like...I'll never be able to just get up and go ever again...I'll miss that, but It will be replaced with other things I'm sure.
Also....just because I'm saying these things doenst mean I will love her / him less.
not at all.

I'm going to miss things that I thought could maybe come back one day. Like jumping into a car with Heatherso and going to yellow creek for no reason...I miss that and I don't know if I can ever have that again. Thats what makes me very sad. Because when I wasn't pregnant I took it for granted that it wasn't there anymore, but it could be there again with just a phone call.

And I'm going to miss randomly hanging out with an old cambria county friend one day, just because.

I'm going to miss things like sitting at eat n park for hours on end with coleton and ryan and heather smoking tons and tons of cigarettes and not even thinking twice about the consequences (havent smoked in a wekk by the by!)

I keep thinking of silly memories I have with old friends...and realizing that they will never be able to happen again. But the good news is that I have the memories to share with my son / daughter.

the most of my memories coming up right now are ones of when i was seventeen and ryan kauffman used to pick me up from school because he was a weird perverted old man who liked high school girls haha. But honestly, that guy always seemed to know what to say....but I don't think I could ever get his advice again for some reason....just because it doesnt seem fair or something....I don't know.

Being pregnant is confussing. I'm so sad one minute, then I'm very happy the next. I'm constnatly yelling at Seth and getting angry with him over stupid things. God bless him...hes such a good person for dealing with me. but i guess he doenst really have a choice now does he? hahah.

I also keep thinking of memories with Anne. Things like when I said "humogogus" while playing outburst junior and then she puked. haha. I can't stop thinking of silly little things we used to do as kids. I guess its cause I know its gone for good now....I'm okay with that....Its just hard to wrap my head around.

I don't know...I'm excited about being pregnant, and I'm terrified...I feel alone sometimes because I don't feel like Seth really knows what I'm going through, because I am going through like a hundred things at once...my moms not talking to me right now, and my sister melissa just had her baby so i cant really bother her....i dunno...its tough...but its something else in the book i'll get through. maybe the hardest thing? who would have thought that?

6:06pm: yep. thats it.
I guess I have a lot to talk about.

My life isn't this insane mess like it used to be...and I did miss that a lot at times...which is why I would tend to rush back to it all. But that was me, when I was stuck in the middle of being grown up, and wanting to go back to that irresponsible stage in my life. Not saying, that I was totally ireesponsible...I did have things that needed paid for, I had obligations, but most of my life...the first priorities, were irresponsible things that should not have been number one.

Now that I have grown out of the middle stage, and have decided where I want to be in life...I feel relieved. And less judged. I also feel like I dont have to say anything or do anything to prove a point or an opinion I feel anymore. Because all that matters is that I believe in it. And thats awesome. Because I've never felt that way before.


Oh....and did I mention that I'm getting sick a lot?

I'm throwing up....mainly in the early mornings....

Oh and I'm reading a lot more too...mainly about a subject I've never read about before. At least not so thoroughly.

Oh.....and I'm gaining some necessary weight.

Shocked? Probably not...its what I do best...and what is a better blessing than doing the most natural thing in th world? I just know...that I'm up for it all...and this is the perfect start. No matter what happens in my life, and now in his / her life....its going to matter. And its going to be beneficial to the both of us. I'm already in love with him / her.....and he / she doesn't even have two inches to its name yet =)


I pray outloud now....which is weird for me to say that I guess. But I feel like if I pray outloud... God will hear me more, and my prayers will be duly noted.


Yes....my life is changing forever....and the doors to my past are closing on their own....and one day I can tell my kids about the people, and about the memories, and teach them things through my stories...and that makes me smile.

1:46am: My entry might be boring, but I love it.
Heyso all,

So things are going pretty well in life for the most part. Work is good, very productive for the first commonwealth I must say. And my sister Melissa is due to have her baby any day now! I'm so excited to be an aunt! I want to teach her everything about music and good books and just about life and everything inbetween. I'm going to be the boring aunt aren't I? haha oh well, someone has to do it.

anyway, life is good. Seth and I are doing wonderful. I have never really experienced a real, healthy relationship before and its quite nice I must say. We're very caring for each others needs and if something bothers one of us we actually talk about it instead of holding it in. We rarely fight anymore, and were always attempting to figure out solutions to situations no matter what. Were finally meeting in the middle with things and its great. I'm very much in love with this man and I hope all goes well and we stay together for a long time. He's truly become my best friend and someone I can tell anything to. Its wonderful.

sappy stuff over with! next on the agenda...hmm...I dont know. There was a horrible shooting at Virginia Tech this week. And since we don't have cable, the only thing on channel 2, 6 and 8 was coverage on the shootings. It was an awful thing to constantly see on TV. Not to mention how angry i've become towards my generation because of kids following this man and saying he is a hero to loners in America. To people who get picked on and that all rich kids should die? Thats so awful. I would never want to be represented by a man who did the easy thing by killing himself and other people...what did he do? He added his actions to a long list of tragedies. He did nothing for what he called "the weak". he just made headlines, and thats all. This shooting won't help "loners" cope with getting bullied or beat up. It will only make them angrier and the violence will rise, and so will security, and then what? I don't know....I'm angry though. Like many other people I'm sure.


Its just not right. I don't know what this world is coming to when i see people posting You Tube messages showing pictures of his victims and then having background noise of gunshots and applause. Its sickening.


anyway, enough talking about that....I guess I could talk till I'm blue in the face. I just wish there was something I could do to help these mentally disturbed people. But when I brought it up to Seth, he said that it would be really hard for me to work with people like that because its dangerous and the stress level is huge...which, stress is something I don't take lightly nowadays.


but anyway, work is good. It feels nice to be growing up and succeeding. It feels really good to understand that my friends have seperate lives and that although we are growing apart, I understand its for good reason. We do need to keep in touch of course, but I understand that we can't get together as much due to our schedules and how we lead our lives now. Just know that I'm always thinkin of ya and I love you very much so!

Tonight Seth and I went bowling with Kalaso and Keitherso as well as Andy and Kattie. It was good times, like usual. Seth and I were so tired last night that we grabbed a bite to eat at Sandy K's and went to bed at eleven! haha were getting too old for this styain up late shit. Oh well, it was bound to happen sometime. But I can't tell you how comfortable I feel doing my whole forty hour a week thing and then my weekends of relaxing and hanging out with family. Its really nice, and I'm content with it.

My lawyer told me that my settlement should be coming in within two months. I'm not relying on it though, because its been three years. But it would help out a lot with bills and college. First Commonwealth has a program that if you work for them for a year, and decide to go to IUP for business, then they will pay half of your tuition and have a job waiting for you when you graduate. So I think I'm going to do that. And then once I have a few years of that under my belt, I can go for something in the psychology department. I'll have two great degrees that I can play with! It would be great.

Anyway, still don't have a car...which sucks. But I'm saving my money to get one, and hopefully that settlement will come through and I can get one! I pray!

Anyway, next time I write, I may be an aunt!!!! yayyy! alright, everything is great, and life couldn't be more productive! I'm finally on the right track to adulthood and I'm loving it!

9:27pm: I think I just grew up a little in my mouth...
This is weird ya know? I sit there and think and think, Michelle, your still learning, your still growing...and yes, of course I am...we all are, everyday, till the day we die.

But I didn't realize until today while talking with Danielle, my therapist, that I have progressed in my life soooo much since we first met back in august. I  feel amazing because of it. I feel like I'm able to manage life situations wonderfully now. I mean...I'm fucking grown up. I'm a grown up, a big kid, a fucking adult man. And I'm okay with it! thats the insane part. I've always been terrifed of growing up and not being able to succeed at bieng an adult with bills, and responsibilites, and up until a few months ago, I was struggling massively over bills and responsibility. But this job, its made me so structured in my finances as well as in my social life. I mean, theres the Seth time, the Me time, the family time and of course, the friend time. And I'm managing it all very well. With the help of Seth of course. Hes been great lately, Letting me have my space when needed, and giving me the love and support that I deserve as well. And visa versa

I feel so good right now, i have never had this much confidence in my life. I'm basking in it...literally.
(i'll just give you the keys to the store...literally)

No but seriously, since I have been able to make my life balanced for myself, I feel good about myself in many ways. Its pretty awesome, i've never experienced this before. Is this way they have after school activites for kids? I wonder....


anyway, so obviously life is good for me. Aside from the trials and tribulations that come at me (but they are handled so well now) things are great. Work is a good thing, I like working and I LOVE MEDICAL BENEFITS!!! WHOOHOOO 100% PAID FOR BITCHES! its awesome.

And social life, good good. I miss my kalaso though because shes been sick, but this weekend were going to greensburg and hittin up the hot spots with the infamous jon miller and kala markle fiesta!!! woot woot, i dont make sense when i talk of kala because she just excites me THAT MUCH.

and erica and evan are invited too duh, if you guys can make it on saturday! gimme a call.

anyway, family life, its a good one. I see my family maybe once every two weeks. Which, in my opinion, is good. I love them so much, but I can only take them in small doses...so yeah, its a good.

and my nease will be arriving soon!! i'm excited to be an aunt and i think Melissa is ready for this baby to get out! haha, poor girl is just dragging her way through life right now till she has the baby! but im excited and so is everyone else!

My mom and Dad are doing good, keeping busy with work and the house and getting ready for the baby and stuff...so yeah, it seems like everything is good and im attempting to stay optimistic because I'm pretty cute when I do that.

anyway, thats enough gloating for one week,  TAKE HER EASY and keep in touch with me no matter how busy you might be!